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Small Crooked Smile

by Duncan Gillies

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1.
Down 03:14
I’m going down, where the dirt road ends I’m going down, where the river bends I’m going down, past the railroad tracks I’m going down, past the shotgun shacks I’m going down, I’m going down I’m going down, where everybody knows my name I’m going down, where nobody sees my shame I’m going down, gonna shake theses shackles off I’m going down, me and Raskolnikov I’m going down, I’m going down, I’m going down I’m going down, where the dead men go I’m going down, where the mad men crow I’m going down, where the prophets cry I’m going down, where the angels sigh I’m going down, I’m going down I’m going down, you know I’ve been given the word I’m going down, by the mynah and the mocking bird I’m going down, by the sparrow with the serpent’s head I’m going down, God spoke in every word they said I’m going down, I’m going down, I’m going down I’m going down, where the dirt road ends I’m going down, where the river bends I’m going down, past the railroad tracks I’m going down, cause I ain’t coming back I’m going down, I’m going down I’m going down, I’m going down I’m going down, I’m going down I’m going down Down Down Down
2.
Tired 04:17
I’m tired of this town, I’m tired of this street Tired of all the talking, I’m too tired to speak I’m searching for trust in a world of deceit What I already trust I no longer seek I’m tired of being told to have a voice all of my own I’m tired of feeling nervous, tired of the pain in my chest I’d go see a doctor but I’m tired of all the tests I’m thinking about a girl I once tried to undress She laughed in my face, I can’t remember the rest I’m tired of this body with a mind all of its own It seems I find more trouble every time I turn around Behind every corner someone’s there to knock me down I’m tired of always having to pick myself up off the ground I’m tired of being tired, I’ve been too long in this town I’m tired of wasting time when I’ve got no time to waste But how I waste my time is just a matter of taste I’m tired of finding answers to all the problems that I’ve faced Tired of finding out that my love has been misplaced I’m tired of people measuring the love that I’ve shown I’m tired of all my mornings spent the same old way Tired of lonely nights and tired of wasted days Tired of always searching for something nice to say Tired of waiting round for all the nice people to go away Tired of always reaping everything I’ve sewn It seems I find more trouble every time I turn around Behind every corner someone’s there to knock me down I’m tired of always having to pick myself up off the ground I’m tired of being tired, I’ve been too long in this town I’m tired of taking orders, letting others take the lead I’m living in the slow lane, too tired to pick up speed There’s people in this world who have everything they need I guess it could be luck, I like to think it’s greed I’m tired of people telling me of all the chances that I’ve blown
3.
She had raven black hair and a small crooked smile Claws like a cat and the face of a child I tried to warn myself of the trouble that she'd bring But she was hard to ignore, like a kick in the shin Still I think about her every now and then But I don't suppose I'll be seeing her again It seems so much about her now is all lost in space Like the small of her back and the lines on her face Her small cold hands, her snow-white skin It gnaws away inside of me like a festering sin She was looking for a lover, I would have settled for a friend But I don't suppose I'll be seeing her again She had a cold, cruel laugh and a smoker's cough Evil green eyes, but her skin was soft She had a body straight from heaven but her heart was forged in hell Which one controlled her mind was sometimes hard to tell She said I could buy her soul, I said I don't have much to spend But I don't suppose I'll be seeing her again She said she'd watched me from afar, I said I preferred to look within She smothered me with kisses, I tried to shed my skin I'd built myself a world out of all my shame and fear All her love and devotion were just too much to bear She said we were made for each other, I said we'd better fix that then But I don't suppose I'll be seeing her again She said she'd always loved me, I said I locked it up inside She said she had the key, I said that was no great prize She said she felt she knew me, I said I didn't know myself She said that was just what she'd expected to hear I said I'd expected something else I asked myself aloud how clear a message must I send But I don't suppose I'll be seeing her again She tried to make me love her, she played me like a game She tried to make me suffer, to me it was all the same She tried to make me weep, she tried to make me laugh She said she wanted all my loving but I only gave her half I gave her five-point-five when she thought she was a ten But I don't suppose I'll be seeing her again Our love has had its wings clipped though it never really soared She was looking for excitement, I did my best to keep her bored She said she wanted romance, I said it didn't suit my look She said she wanted mystery, I said she'd find it in a book She said I wasn't worth the effort, I said there's always other men But I don't suppose I'll be seeing her again
4.
And so it comes to this Alone here in the dark If I could I’d just confess But don’t know where to start Was I always on this path But chose not to see the signs Maybe it’s my imagination I’d say I’m paying for my crimes I’ve lied to you girl more than once That’s the least of all my sins I’ve done a terrible thing Girl I’ve done a terrible thing Nobody ever sees In theory nobody ever knows I could walk these streets without a care Instead the fear it only grows I feel every eye upon me Trying to peek inside my mind Maybe it’s my imagination I’d say I’m paying for my crimes If I could I’d lose these childhood chains And shed this serpent’s skin I’ve done a terrible thing Girl I’ve done a terrible thing It seems every time I pull this thread I tie another thousand knots I know everything is for a reason I just can’t connect the dots So I walk alone, retrace my steps Like I’ve done a thousand times Maybe it’s my imagination I’d say I’m paying for my crimes We let the world see what we want And we hide the truth within I’ve done a terrible thing Girl I’ve done a terrible thing
5.
Empty Bowl 06:27
An empty bowl can carry fresh water Every girl in the world is somebody’s daughter I’ve carried this weight, my heart like a boulder So come take my coat and wrap it round your shoulder Well who gets to choose who lives and who’s a martyr Sometimes I wish this fire’d never started It seems every day the world’s getting colder So come take my coat and wrap it round your shoulder Because it’s cold outside, I hear the wind in the trees Stay close by my side, let’s walk in the evening breeze Will we all rise up, throw the gates wide open Will you stay with me, when the world leaves me broken You’re looking younger girl, I’m just feeling older So come take my coat, wrap it round your shoulder Because it’s cold outside, I hear the wind in the trees Stay close by my side, let’s walk in the evening breeze Every child in the world should know a life of laughter The days just disappear, why grow up any faster I thought I understood but lived my life like a soldier So come take my coat and wrap it round my shoulder Will we all be saved if we beg for forgiveness Does God wipe the slate clean or is it just bad for business I got a love for you girl, it smokes and it smolders So come take my coat, wrap it round your shoulders
6.
I Fucked Up 03:57
I was feeling kind of lucky, like I’d finally cracked the code I’d learned to turn a trick or two, I guess it must have showed I should have seen it coming but was looking the other way Now the tables have been turned, guess it’s the price I have to pay I fucked up, I fucked up I’d like to say I did my best but in the end I made a mess I fucked up, I fucked up I got in way too deep, my self-destruction’s now complete I fucked up I’m trying to minimise the damage, trying to keep it all hid It wouldn’t be so bad if I remembered what I did Once again I tell myself I’ll learn from my mistakes But my lessons are piling up like a pile of broken plates I fucked up, I fucked up It should come as no surprise, it’s the story of my life I fucked up, I fucked up I got in way too deep, my self-destruction’s now complete I fucked up Everybody’s got a hard-luck story to tell We’ve all known disappointment at the wishing well Some people get what they want, the rest take what is left I’m just stumbling through life one day to the next You could say it doesn’t matter and try to ease my pain Say you should have helped me out and try to share the blame I could take it as a warning, see it as a sign Say it won’t happen again but it’s just a matter of time Cause I fucked up, I fucked up I could say sorry, act contrite but I wouldn’t even get that right I fucked up, I fucked up I got in way too deep, my self-destruction’s now complete I fucked up No one ever remembers the good things that we do They sift through all the scandal, say the worst of it is true I took comfort in the knowledge that I’m not the only one Till I opened up the newspaper and thought my God what have I done I fucked up, I fucked up They say this life is what you make, my life is just one big mistake I fucked up, I fucked up There’s no more turning back, it’s a fast and hard cold fact I fucked up, I fucked up I’m begging on my knees, would someone crucify me please I fucked up, I fucked up I got in way too deep, my self-destruction’s now complete I fucked up
7.
Six inches too tall, two hours too late Cut me down to size and knock me into shape Too tired to fight, too dumb to give in Nearing the point where the punishment is sweeter than the sin Wipe away the cobwebs, sweep the floor clean Bleed the bank dry like a human slot machine I got debts I can’t pay, I got goods I can’t sell You think you know what people want but you never can tell Tried to climb the mountain, ended down in the hole Walking round in the dark in the graveyard of the soul Followed the light till the light began to fade So I kept on walking but I never found my way Search the internet for my latest inspiration Do the Devil’s work, read the Book of Revelation I know right from wrong, I just don’t know how to choose In love with a machine I don’t even know how to use Tried to turn my back on the age of exploitation Politics of money and human degradation I’m full of good intentions, full of wild desires My mind’s a short-circuited mass of tangled wires Justify the pleasure, try to glorify the pain Every time I get a taste I try to give it up again Take it all for granted like it’s just a lucky break Take the moral high ground when there’s no ground left to take I’m walking round in rags, got to get some new clothes I’m speaking in tongues, seems nobody knows Everything I do now needs an explanation Still got high hopes, just lower expectations Tried to climb the mountain, ended down in the hole Walking round in the dark in the graveyard of the soul Followed the light till the light began to fade So I kept on walking but I never found my way Make the problem fit the answer, make the cure hard to quit Complicate the details, cut the facts to fit I’m searching for the secret, what nobody every sees Why what’s hard to explain is easy to believe Angel on my shoulder whispers in my ear Tells me all sorts of things no sane man wants to hear He’s put a price on my soul, says nothing comes for free But I got myself a ticket in God’s great lottery Tried to climb the mountain, ended down in the hole Walking round in the dark in the graveyard of the soul Followed the light till the light began to fade So I kept on walking but I never found my way

about

This is a small collection of songs I have recorded with the help of Angel Joseph Gordon.

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released April 28, 2013

All songs Duncan Gillies.

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The Stick Figure Saints Auckland, New Zealand

My name is Duncan Gillies and I have written these songs. I have recorded them in a home studio set-up and have been helped along the way by multi-instrumentalist Angel Joseph Gordon. The tracks were mixed and mastered by Nick Taylor at Sosol Sound and Lance Powell. ... more

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